Day 1

Monday, July

I get to work. One guy. “Hey you got a haircut. I like it.” We talk a bit about hair places. “Thank you. How was your weekend?” “Oh not bad.” One woman. “Hey you got a haircut. I like it.”

I get into my office.

Email to your therapist because your phone isn't working. I've made progress. Maybe. Talk tomorrow. Thank you.

Email to your boss. “I need to stay in **** where it's safe and I can live. Then I will try to move up in the world.” Some other stuff about mental health and brain not working.

I start to pace again. But this time it's not “How did I end up here? How did I end up here? Woe is me! Woe is me!” It's “One chance at life. My brain is fucked. I missed out on life and I'm the worst monster. Your friends are working towards the real rewards of hard work and dedication and there are no big rewards left for you. Why not pull the trigger?”

A conversation with ****.

[REDACTED]

You started out as one of the best soccer players in the city and someone doing five-star logic puzzles and reading about Nazi and American collusion during World War II in Grade 4 when your dad gave you Trading With the Enemy to read while some of your classmates were still struggling with The Berenstein Bears. You didn't get interesting in anything, you didn't put in the time to practice anything so that you could get good at it, you couldn't make a decision, you didn't get a driver's license, you didn't study, you thought you would live differently than 'normal' people, and you spent all your time in university and running around the world. You had no discipline. You didn't do anything hard. You didn't do anything responsible. No cooking. No cleaning. No doing anything uncomfortable. Just looking down on everyone and expecting special treatment. And you will have to live the rest of your live as a lonely, useless, narcissistic idiot that people will only remember for complaining, the need for validation, psychopathic delusions, and being in everybody's business. This is while you think about all of the amazing friends you met that worked really hard and put their extra time into getting good at things that they enjoyed and are proud of their hard work and achievements. You just waited for the answer and didn't do anything about it. You didn't want to feel uncomfortable. This is karma. This is what you deserve.

What are you going to do about it? Sit and complain? Or finally make an effort and face discomfort like everybody else?

1. Do nothing and become more bitter with every passing year

2. Do something and try to find something to take pride in

3. Pull the trigger

That's the decision that everybody faces.

No relationships? No children? No career?

You're kidding.

Always praised. Offered PhDs. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I ONLY HAVE ONE CHANCE! WHAT'S THE RIGHT ANSWER?

No wedding. No big day. No parents seeing you as successful.

Oh well.

At least you were ecstatic in your younger years.

You're living in this indigenous town where life is hard enough for the locals with their colonialism and residential schools and intergenerational trauma and white government overseers and military development that couldn't care less about the locals for the sake of "Arctic Sovereignty" that any indigenous group in Alaska or Canada or Greenland or Scandinavia or Northern Russia (https://yakutiamedia.ru/news/515851/, remember what you learned over there?) probably couldn't give a shit about. And all you can do is walk around looking like a crackhead and feeling sorry for yourself. FOR TWELVE FUCKING MONTHS!

1. Live in basic comfort and hate your life more every year.

2. Do something uncomfortable that you might feel proud of.

3. Pull the trigger.

It's up to you.